sleepless nights and wrinkled sheets. tossing in my sleep, i dream. bumper cars and ferris wheel seats dangling under a blanket of stars. the moon shone bright that night. the three of us were driving aimlessly on sunrise highway, until we saw a sign that read: “CARNIVAL: nassau coliseum 4 pm - midnight”. we already had a magic lamp with us. rubbing it, the genie granted us our three wishes. we only wanted to feel infinite. to take in the moment with 5 senses, to feel something. to feel everything.
we chugged a bottle of bacardi before we proceeded to the ticketbooths. i whipped out my bank of america debit card, and took out 60 dollars. better make it count. money could always be made. but money
can not. buy. love.
i remember the two of you going on a ride. i waited down below — scaredycat. you yelled hello from the tippy top before you started spinning upside down and downside up 100 feet in the air. 1/3 of a bottle of bacardi and constant tumbling did not seem like a good idea. not even for someone as careless as i am. i have always been different from you two. i have always worried. i still do.
i remember laying on the cement, cocooned in his arms, a butterfly unwilling to wake. “GET A ROOM!” we laughed at everyone. at eachother. they thought we were crazy. and maybe we were.
getting into his car, we watched fireworks go off as we drove home. im unsure of who was dropped off first, but i’m pretty sure he and i fucked on his leather couch before i made it to my own bed. our nights always ended like this, 99/100 times. this was almost 3 or 4 years ago now.
a year ago the 3 of us went to a pool hall in island park. different setting, different time. different drink. i thought we grew up, but really, we just aged. i’ll never forget how happy he was to see me and my friend dance like maniacs. we twirled and clung on to each other as we spun until our legs gave out. i always liked that titanic scene. “thats the way we get by” was blasting through his stereo. “i love when you guys are like this. when you are just so happy.”
the devil doesn’t come ugly. i have those words ringing in my ears almost once a week. the three of us were happy together again. at the time, i knew this was fleeting. but as all good things go, i wish to prolong them regardless of fate, reality, or time. i always want to control things that are indefinite. it’s up to the universe to decide whether shit goes down or not. i give up.
and today, what’s done is done. ashes to ashes, dust to dust. our themesongs will always play in my background. except this time, i will take the stage solo.
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